Something Original

I do wonder if I’m emotionally resilient enough to be a writer. The last post I made was what I’d summited as an assignment for my MA in Creative Writing.  When I got the results back, I admit I was very disappointed. I did okay – it was a Merit but only just. I’m sure many people would think I did well but I had higher expectations and was a bit hurt by the results. I take it personally even though writing is very subjective and a book loved by one person may be loathed by another.  And the result wasn’t bad! It just wasn’t amazing. 

I keep reminding myself that it’s the second year of a Master’s degree – it shouldn’t be easy to get an amazing mark. I think what bothers me is the feedback wasn’t meaty enough for me to see enough changes I could make to lift my mark meaningfully.  It was mostly small elements about focusing more on one thing, less on another etc. Even if I implemented everything they suggested, I couldn’t see the mark improving that much.

And I’m too shy or self-conscious to ask my tutor for more feedback or guidance.  The MA costs a lot of money and if there’s guidance about how to be a better writer, I should be asking for it. But I worry about being annoying and that I’d end up getting even worse marks from him as punishment.

I loved the piece and was very proud of it. Isn’t that the main thing?  Shouldn’t that be what I focus on?  Instead of just one person’s opinion?

It’s been weeks since my last post. Partly because of the Christmas break but mostly because I’ve been trying to get motivation back after the knock on my confidence. I’m not doing the MA for the MA itself – that’s just a bonus.  I’m doing it to learn to be a better writer.  So if I write something I’m proud of and I feel it’s better than what I could have written pre-MA, isn’t that what I should focus on? 

But I’m wallowing and doubting everything I write.  I’m trying to do my next assignment and really struggling. I’m writing for the mark and not for the piece itself which is the last thing I want. I worry that if I ever get to the point I try and publish something, I’ll give up at the first rejection. I need to toughen up and accept that what I write, won’t be everyone’s ideal piece. I need to write for me. I need to write for the piece itself. And not for anyone else or the mark it may get me. Now just to work out how do that…